Camo, NASCAR, Fritos and Resurrection Eggs

I love going to WalMart. It's the kind of store where you can buy the necessities of life and all of Ron Popeil's Ronco products. They also have the largest selection of NASCAR crap ever assembled in one location. There's NASCAR underwear, clothes, car mats, and yes, chocolate Easter cars. I went to WalMart to find some plastic eggs for my daughter's preschool Easter party. There were the normal eggs, glittery eggs, and Camo eggs. Yes, it's true. They had green camouflaged eggs. I just had to buy them so I can look at them in amazement in the comfort of my own home. Well, that and the WalMart workers were starting to look at me funny as I was laughing out loud in the isle. Then I saw them.....RESURRECTION EGGS(say with loud booming God-like voice).

That's right people! You and your kids can share the beauty of the bloody crucifixion, together. In each lovely pastel colored egg is a miniature replica of an item from the crucifixion. One egg may have a miniature spear, the other may have a miniature cross, and still another has rope used to tie Jesus to the cross. Just think, parents, your kids can pretend to whip Jesus just like in real life, if you find the lucky egg with the whip. Oh yeah....each egg has a life affirming thought in it. Probably something like, "Gays should all die".

You know, I'm not a devoted Christian but even I'm offended. It seems the Crucifixion has went commercial. Who thinks that opening eggs with items depicting a murder is fun? How cheap have we become anyway?

I Once Met A Man From Nantucket....

Well, this Celtic Lass had a date tonight. Having a date is not really significant. I have dates every now and then. But each date has it's own memorable moment and this one was no exception.

I met him at Starbuck's. It's a nice neutral place for a first meeting. I often don't even tell guys my last name until I meet them for the first time. You never know until you meet them if they're a freak or not, sometimes you still don't know for a while. He is a stunning and handsome man. Salt and Pepper hair, nice tan, beautiful eyes and buff. He was well spoken during our date. He owns his own business and writes poetry during his downtime as a hobby. So far, so good. I should have known it was TOO good. We talked for nearly two hours. We shared stories of growing up, stories from our defunct marriages, just getting to know one another. All went well. He said he had to go visit his brother before going home and it was getting late. I agreed. I was tired as well.

We walk out to the parking lot. He put his arms around me and hugged me. Ok, I say to myself, he's a decent guy. Then, it happens. His arm falls from my back and he grabs a handful of ass, my ass. Then he plants a big kiss on me. I back away from him and tell him goodbye, shocked. He then said to me, "You know, I could follow you back to your place." I said, "Nah, I don't think so." Still, at this point, trying to be nice and just put an end to the date. He looks at me and says, "Do you want me to call you or follow you home?" I yelled at him this time. The date ended.

I just wonder if I'm really that old fashioned. Is it normal to meet a man for coffee and go have sex with him? Am I really that different? Though it may surprise a few people, I haven't slept with many men at all. I've never had a one night stand. I've never had sex with a guy on a first date (second date is a different story :)) Have things really changed so much that it's normal to meet a man for coffee and then have sex with him 2 hours later? Again, I ask....Am I really that different?

A Republican Invitation

Though I have never received a formal invitation to join the Republican Party, I imagine that it might read something like this.....

The Republican Party, the Grand Old Party, the Party of George W. Bush and the great Senator Joseph McCarthy invite you to be a member. Party members enjoy many advantages not afforded to other political parties. Advantages such as foreign "rebuilding" opportunities, foreign monopoly marketing, and exclusive rights to many Arab oil fields. You are indeed lucky to be chosen to be a part of such an exclusive prestigious group. The Republican Party is very picky when it comes to inviting new members. But, we're only sub-human, we make mistakes. For that reason, the Party has chosen to list the following membership limitations. Your invitation is revoked if you are included in the list. Excluded are

1) gays - Gays are not welcome in the Republican Party. If you are gay and want to be a Republican, you must not talk gay, dress gay, or smell gay(no Tomy cologne) in the presence of any party member. You are to have a female companion at all Party events and you must be physically affectionate with her in public. Females are free to act homosexual with any other female. Republican men are especially turned on by this. The Gay Exclusion Clause only applies to men.

2) non-Christians - The Republican Party is not a Democracy, it's a Theocracy. Other faiths, whether they are based on the same God or not, are not welcome. Jews may stand and watch at some events but they are not allowed to interact with Christians. Catholics are allowed Republican status while it is debated if Catholics are really Christians in the same way Baptists are.

3) non-whites - People of any color other than white are not allowed in the Republican Party. Exceptions are allowed for people who come from wealthy black families or politically active black families. Waivers can be obtained by submitting an application to Senator Obama.

4) Professional Educated Women - Women with a career and an education are somewhat frightening to Republican men. Republican men prefer for a woman to walk three paces behind him and take care of him and the house. She is to NEVER make more money than he does.

5) Pro-Choice people - Republicans will NEVER accept a pro-choice person in the party. Republican dogma says that abortion is murder. However, when a woman chooses to have the child the Party will not vote to fund Head Start programs, WIC food programs, and free health care. The Party demands that every woman carry the pregnancy to term, but after that, the mother and baby are on their own.

6) Poor people - The Republican Party will not accept applicants with less than a combined yearly income of $50,000. Anyone with less money will expect government assistance for home loans, health care, and education. The Republican Party would prefer to spend that funding on itself. Also, poor people don't donate to the Party, therefore, they aren't worth much.

If you aren't a member of one of the above groups then CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are now a Republican. Are you glad to be in the Party that represents America!!!!

Proper Home Depot Etiquette

"I love the Home Depot. It gives me wood."
-Jon (my goofy friend)


This weekend has been a busy one indeed. I got a new sleeper sofa, a new dining room set, and a new washer. No, I didn't get my income tax refund Friday. I didn't win the lottery. I don't have a sugar daddy (would be nice though). Actually my new furniture comes as the result of a family tragedy. My paternal grandmother died in December. My paternal grandfather died a few weeks ago. He just didn't want to live without her. Anyway, we had a lot of furniture to get rid of and I took part of it. Back to the point....

While my step-dad was putting the table together (they had to take it apart to haul it to my house), he found that he was one bolt shy of finishing. He needed another 3/4 - 1 1/2 hex bolt. So...I'm off to the Home Depot to save the day. Keep in mind that sending me to the Home Depot to buy a bolt is like sending a lumberjack into Victoria's Secret to buy a special bra. As I go up and down the nail, screw, and bolt isle, I notice some odd behavior patterns that can only be attributed to the uniqueness of the Home Depot experience. Here's what I noticed....



1) A man can't be dressed up to go to the Home Depot. This will result in a loss of "machismo points". The optimal dress code is a sports T-shirt or a Tennessee shirt. If a man comes in with paint, plaster, or oil on him, he gets bonus "machismo points".

2) If a woman is brought with a man to the Home Depot, she is to walk 2 paces behind him. She is not to question him. There are special bonus "machismo points" if she is stupid and requires the man to explain things to her. Drop her off at the garden/flower section where she can be supervised until you are done with your manly shopping.

3) Single women are NOT supposed to go into the Home Depot unless they are with their father or uncle. Single women who go into the Home Depot and know anything about what they're looking for, can safely be called a lesbian.

4) Children are NOT to be brought into the Home Depot unless they are the son of the man with paint on him. If he is the son, then this is considered a right of passage and is sacred. Daughters with their fathers are considered lesbians in training.

5) Double "machismo points" if the man has to use a special cart to get his manly heavy lumber or fencing out to the car. There can be a loss of "machismo points" if a man is seen carrying a flat of flowers for his wife. This is called being "pussy-whipped" at the Home Depot. Other men are laughing at you.

Well, did I find my bolt that I came to the Home Depot for? No. I found several bolts that looked like it, but none that were the same. I bought what I thought was close and came home. None of the bolts worked. I guess I should've taken a man, maybe covering in oil, with me. Maybe a clerk might have helped me then.

The Things Memories Are Made Of....

"Sometimes when you look back on a situation, it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity."
-Henry Bromel, Northern Exposure, 1991

My wonderful friend, Daliwood, posted a hilarious story about bad dates on his blog. Many people commented with their own failed attempts to make connections with someone. Some of the stories were really bad, but oddly funny. It's like a car wreck. You don't want to look but you do anyway.

In the same vein of thought, I offer my post. This is about the best date I ever had. It wasn't all that fancy or entertaining, but it was soulful. It started with a nice fire on this guy's back porch on a very cold January night. We added some Irish Whiskey for me and some beer for him. For the next hour or so we sat by the fire, talked about everything from politics to sledding in the snow. We laughed and we drank, a lot. When the fire died down, we went inside and continued the conversation until the wee hours. There was no movie, no popcorn, no dinner at Outback Steakhouse, nothing to indicate a formal date. Yet it was one of the best "dates" I had ever had. Just two people, talking and being themselves without pretense.

We dated a few more times but, alas, he and I were in different places in our lives. I had been divorced for a while. The pain of divorce was still fresh for him. I hold no ill feelings for him. If anything, I'm grateful for the experience of our "dates".

So, dear readers, do you have a "special date"? A time when you caught "lightening in a bottle" with another person. I'd like to hear about it. I'd also like to know just how many people ended up in a serious, long-term relationship with this other person. My theory is that most of us don't end up with the person we "connect" with. We end up with the person who best fits our personal dysfunction.

Anyway, does anybody have something to add?

Get Thee to a Nunnery!

I will never understand men! I often blog about the relationship issues that confront women who are trying desperately to have a relationship with a man. "Women that are hard to understand" is a popular topic on talk shows. I hear men complain of contradictions in women's behavior. Well, my sisters, I can tell you men are no better. I recently had the opportunity to experience this first hand. A friend of mine, who I was seeing/dating, whatever you want to call it, got very angry with me for asking him why he hadn't called me when he said he would. Now, I'm the first person who will tell you that there is more to the story than just what is written here. There are details, miscommunications, etc left out of the story for brevity's sake. I also left them out because I feel that the real issue isn't what was said as much as it is misperception. The whole situation has left me somewhat dumbfounded. My comments were innocent enough. No hidden meaning was ever intended. While talking to a girlfriend she said something that I thought was excellent for summing up the whole thing. She said, "Why do men think that some things a woman asks are controlling when really, she sees it as a sign of his respect for her?" When I asked why he didn't call, he thought I was trying to make him account for his actions/whereabouts. I wasn't. I only wondered why he didn't feel that keeping his word to me was important. I couldn't have cared less about what he was doing or where he was doing it. Perhaps if there was more talking instead of jumping to conclusions then the whole thing would have been avoided.

As I stated in the beginning, it's all about perception...perceptions between men and women, perceptions of society and it's gender roles, perception of what's expected in relationships. It's true that most of us can never measure up to the romantic, idealized perception of the perfect mate. Reality bites and it leaves us continually longing for the unattainable. That's why I'm going into the Convent. Sister Celtic Lass will be my new name. Nothing to do but pray and work for the betterment of mankind. There's that vow of chastity thing, but that shouldn't be a problem, actually it would be a nice rest. The vow of poverty won't really change a lot for me. With three kids, I don't have much money to spend anyway. So....it's been nice but....time to pack.