Proper Home Depot Etiquette

"I love the Home Depot. It gives me wood."
-Jon (my goofy friend)


This weekend has been a busy one indeed. I got a new sleeper sofa, a new dining room set, and a new washer. No, I didn't get my income tax refund Friday. I didn't win the lottery. I don't have a sugar daddy (would be nice though). Actually my new furniture comes as the result of a family tragedy. My paternal grandmother died in December. My paternal grandfather died a few weeks ago. He just didn't want to live without her. Anyway, we had a lot of furniture to get rid of and I took part of it. Back to the point....

While my step-dad was putting the table together (they had to take it apart to haul it to my house), he found that he was one bolt shy of finishing. He needed another 3/4 - 1 1/2 hex bolt. So...I'm off to the Home Depot to save the day. Keep in mind that sending me to the Home Depot to buy a bolt is like sending a lumberjack into Victoria's Secret to buy a special bra. As I go up and down the nail, screw, and bolt isle, I notice some odd behavior patterns that can only be attributed to the uniqueness of the Home Depot experience. Here's what I noticed....



1) A man can't be dressed up to go to the Home Depot. This will result in a loss of "machismo points". The optimal dress code is a sports T-shirt or a Tennessee shirt. If a man comes in with paint, plaster, or oil on him, he gets bonus "machismo points".

2) If a woman is brought with a man to the Home Depot, she is to walk 2 paces behind him. She is not to question him. There are special bonus "machismo points" if she is stupid and requires the man to explain things to her. Drop her off at the garden/flower section where she can be supervised until you are done with your manly shopping.

3) Single women are NOT supposed to go into the Home Depot unless they are with their father or uncle. Single women who go into the Home Depot and know anything about what they're looking for, can safely be called a lesbian.

4) Children are NOT to be brought into the Home Depot unless they are the son of the man with paint on him. If he is the son, then this is considered a right of passage and is sacred. Daughters with their fathers are considered lesbians in training.

5) Double "machismo points" if the man has to use a special cart to get his manly heavy lumber or fencing out to the car. There can be a loss of "machismo points" if a man is seen carrying a flat of flowers for his wife. This is called being "pussy-whipped" at the Home Depot. Other men are laughing at you.

Well, did I find my bolt that I came to the Home Depot for? No. I found several bolts that looked like it, but none that were the same. I bought what I thought was close and came home. None of the bolts worked. I guess I should've taken a man, maybe covering in oil, with me. Maybe a clerk might have helped me then.