Mommy You Taught Me Better Than That!!
My oldest daughter is one of those people who will change the world. She hates cruelty to anything. She openly protests the Iraq War and has even made it her school social studies project. She is only 12 yrs old. I raised her to be a strong young lady. Proud to be female and aware of the power within her to change things she sees as wrong. Sometimes all that passion is turned on me, but in a way, I am proud to see that she questions the status quo even with her own family.
Now she has presented me with a quagmire of mammoth proportions. From the time my children were born, I have forbid any hate speech around them. Even so far as to take them away from relatives telling racist jokes or referring to people by racist names. I have always counseled them that hate begets more hate. Everyone is equal. So now my daughter tells me that she has a "boyfriend" who is black. He seems a nice enough person but he hangs out with other boys that like gansta rap, who wear clothes that seem too always be getting them in trouble with the school administration. I truly believe, in time, this group of boys will end up on the wrong side of society. But I also worry that her own peer group will assign a bad reputation to her. If a white girl dates a black boy she is labeled damaged goods. She is kicked out of the "club" so to speak. This reputation is one that tends to stick with a girl all the way through high school. I don't want this to happen to her.
As you can imagine this has spawned explosive arguments between us. I no doubt believe that it probably strengthens her ties to him. She calls me a racist, and to some extent I am acting that way. But at some point an idea, no matter how well intentioned, must fall to wayside if it endangers your child. It is quite a quagmire, my personal beliefs on race versus my love for my daughter. I would be curious to know what everyone thinks. Be honest, even if I won't like it. Honesty is more valuable to me that any thing else.
posted by mariemon at 12:03 PM
1 Comments:
The best advice my mother ever gave to me was this "Never, ever, date someone you would not marry. Once your heart becomes involved, your head takes the back seat to all rational thinking."
I have passed this same advice to my daughter.
Suggest to your daughter the implications that will come of this, as any other, relationship. Does she go to school children that are interracial? Are they treated differently? Would she want to parent a child that certainly, although wrongly, be scrutinized? Yeah, she's only twelve, and I am sure she is not about to give birth or be sexually active. But the advice you give now will help her make decisions in the future. (Not necessarily the right ones, of course.)
Remember also, the peers she has are not the same as the peers that we had. Interracial relationships are not as forbidden as they used to be (among peers, only.) The times they are a changin'.
Ask yourself this question: Would you have the same opinions if her new boyfriend was Asian or Hispanic? If your concerns are based strickly on his friends and his record with the school, make sure she knows that it has nothing to do with the color of his skin.
Get to know this child, as with any of your daughter's other friends. Invite him into your home, give him a chance. And always remember this...It is your job and the most important job you will ever have, to protect and educate your child. It is not your job to make sure she likes the decisions you make. She has plenty of friends, but only one mother.
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